For much of my life, I felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t have much contact with my peers growing up except for school. I didn’t go over to friends’ houses except for maybe three times my entire life before I could drive. I lived in isolation and always felt like everyone else had friends, experiences, and lives that I could never seem to connect with.
After I was sexually abused, the feelings only intensified. I tried to hide the fact that I had been abused by covering it up with physical or mental afflictions. I would tell others I had heart problems, problems with my asthma, or just physically feeling bad. All of this was true, but they were only surface problems stemming from a deeper issue. I would also get sad and depressed and that was when I truly felt like no one understood me. I didn’t know what was going on in my head, but not having a means to really describe what was going on with me emotionally since I just wasn’t mentally able to, made me feel like I was the only one going through these problems. My isolation and feelings that I didn’t belong only became bigger.
I never had any confidence in myself or belief in myself that I was really good at anything. I didn’t do sports, so being included as a “jock” was out of the question. I was in band, but really not that passionate about it. I was the only boy in school who really liked to dance, and you can imagine how that made me look to my peers. The girls didn’t seem to mind much, but I know the boys called me “gay” and “faggot” plenty of times. I was pretty smart and worked hard at school, but in order to be successful at that, I needed to be by myself. Adults were much easier to get along with and talk to because they were much more forgiving and understanding than children. But again, that’s how I got abused in the first place. So, I really didn’t belong anywhere, not with the athletes, not with the band members, not with the boys, and not really with the girls. I was by myself. It sucked!
Now, here’s where I get a little preachy with you, where I talk about Jesus, so if it’s not something you want to read about, then you are welcome to close the post. I don’t belong in heaven. I don’t belong in a relationship with God. I don’t belong in any place that his holy and sanctified. By myself, I don’t belong. But I have a guy named Jesus who died for me so that I could be in a place, with a God, and in a relationship where I don’t belong. It’s not anything I can ever do on my own. It’s a gift and one that I have accepted. If you’re still reading this and you want to know more about this gift, I’ll tell you more of how Jesus fits into my story. Then, you make the decision.
Harry L. Estes 