Sadness

For many survivors, the holidays hold sadness. I believe that I was very fortunate that my perpetrator was not in my family, so I only saw him on certain occasions. Yet I still experience a great deal of sadness during the holidays because my routine is disrupted and I have more time to think irrationally.

It’s ok for anyone to experience negative feelings because it allows you, or forces you however you want to look at it, to use your emotional tools to deal with those feelings in a healthy way. Lately, however, I’ve experienced a sadness that feels crippling, sapping my energy and rendering it difficult for me to do the things that I normally would do.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been handling it well. There are a ton of strategies that I know I should do and could do, but I’m either choosing not to do them or just can’t get the energy to do it. I know that I should tell other people, just so that they know what’s going on with my mental state, but I just don’t have the energy to do it. Also, I just don’t feel like it’s worth it to involve others when there isn’t anything they can do directly. I also know that these are some pretty irrational ideas floating around in my head, so I need to look at evidence that tells me that these things aren’t true. Yet, I have other observations and irrational thoughts that tell me otherwise, especially I’m not good enough for others and that it would just be better if I was gone. What is most difficult about these two ideas is that they reinforce one another. I don’t think anyone really cares, but I’m not telling anyone that something is wrong, so no one can really come to my aide. It’s a perfect strategy that my depression likes to use against me.

Regardless, I hope that those of you that have experienced this same feeling know that it will pass. I know it will pass in my life. It just sucks, especially during the holidays when I should be celebrating and rejoicing with family and friends around me.