Resisting Transition

Oh my God I hate change!

Now that I’ve got that out of me, I’ll explain. I just finished up my school year, with the last half of the semester being done from home and online. Lots of grading, report writing, finishing and closing out paperwork, and preparing for summer school to be completed. All weekend I was dreading the start of summer school today because I didn’t feel prepared, having spent all of that time finishing out my school year, and I was uncertain what to expect, since summer school was also going to be online only. My anxiety, my frustration, my worry, and consequently, my anger, shot to the roof!

Today, the first day of summer school, went entirely smooth! I got online easily with my students. We switched back from group instruction to independently work, they turned in assignments, and there were no problems outside of the usual clarifications that occur with students. So why, I must ask myself, did I spend all that energy worry about changes?

I do it all the time. And I don’t know if it’s a result of my upbringing, my personality, my sexual abuse, or my bad learned behavior. I spend hours worrying and fretting about the future or the past, things that I cannot change, only for it to be no big deal when it happens. I know that I’m comfortable when I have a routine, when I can remain constant, and when I can have a flow. But that doesn’t cause me to grow.

Growing hurts! I remember when I was young and my legs ached when I was going through a growth spurt. It wasn’t fun, but the result was that I grew taller. I underwent that pain in order to achieve the size and shape that God needed me to be so that He could use me to help others. Pain sucks, but I can’t grow unless I endure it. And if I have to endure it, then I should find ways to accept it, nurture it, and encourage it in my growth as a survivor. Also, I have to stop myself from avoiding it, lessening it, and complaining about it and use that energy to benefit those around me.

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