It was only through being honest was I able to transform myself from a victim to a survivor. For a long time, I couldn’t understand the guilt and shame that I was feeling. I blamed myself for the abuse the occurred to me. I figured since I was the one that wanted his friendship so badly, then I must have given him some indication that I wanted more from him. At thirteen, I believed myself to be an adult, making mature decisions and being responsible for most of the things in my life. I did my school work, completed my chores, finished anything my parents asked me to, and stayed out of trouble. If there was anything that I couldn’t understand, I figured it out on my own.
All of those thoughts, actions, and feelings were still me living in the victim mentality. As long as things went smoothly and according to plan, my self-worth was fine. However, if anything were to go awry, then my world completely fell apart. Even the smallest hiccup would send me into an emotional downward spiral that it affected everything around me and even people in my life. I refused to ask for help, and I denied the truth about what was going on with me. Yet, remaining a victim was the only thing I felt I could do because I could not escape the comfort of my despair.
My road to becoming a survivor and leaving behind my victimization was not an easy road. I hurt myself physically, cutting my arms and punching solid objects, so that I could temporarily block the emotional pain that I experienced. I constantly thought about suicide because the burden of my abuse just became overwhelming. However, being open about my struggles is the only thing that was really able to set me free from those burdens. It’s really tough to be honest with yourself and others, but it is incredibly relieving to share those burdens with others. I encourage you to find someone to share your struggles with if you haven’t done so already.
Harry L. Estes 