Last weekend, I got to spend some time with a couple of other survivors. One of them lives out of the state and was here to attend a family function. So, another friend of mine drove to have breakfast and hang out with him for the morning. It was a good time to talk and have some unstructured time to be with each other. It made me realize a couple of things about shared trauma and friendship.
First of all, it is essential to have friends who understand and have experienced similar struggles that you have. And I’m not just speaking about survivors of sexual abuse, but all kinds of trauma and struggle. It’s in these relationships that we can be transparent. We can share difficulties with one another and have those friends completely understand where we are coming from. We can ask and offer advice from each other so that when we go back to our lives, we can be better people to our family members and other friends. If you don’t have people in your life who have the same kinds of struggles that you do, I would encourage you to seek those friendships out. It can be incredibly freeing to talk with someone who has shared the same difficulties you have.
It is equally important to have relationships and friendships with people who DO NOT have the same struggles and trauma you have. As much as I love my fellow survivors, it isn’t good for me or them to only have friends who have also been sexually abused. Speaking only for myself, I don’t always have a good perspective on others. I don’t always understand the social norms of friendships. I constantly allow my character defects to dictate how I view myself and others. It is easy for me to think negatively about myself since I don’t “enrapture” my friends all the time with my winning personality and charm! I isolate myself from others because I think they don’t care or I’m just too broken to have meaningful friendships. All of these irrational thoughts and behaviors have been fostered as a result of my sexual abuse. But I need others around me who can counter the thoughts and help me redirect my behaviors.
Having a broad array of friendships with varying degrees of intimacy only makes me a healthier person. And I strongly believe that being a healthier person makes all of my relationships better. All of this takes time, takes hard work, and takes perseverance. In our society where men especially do not have a lot of close friends, this can be one of the biggest challenges in our lives.
Harry L. Estes 