I’ve recently been listening to a podcast on the topic of suicide and suicidal ideation. Today, the host made a very profound statement, at least for me, about how men view shame. For us (and I’m generalizing here), males feel the most shame when they are perceived to be weak. As I pondered that statement, it didn’t take me long to agree with it. Many of the things that I do in my life are to avoid the idea that I am weak.
One of the pervading ideas that I have battled with my sexual abuse is the fact that I was old enough to say no and that I was big enough to fight him off. But I didn’t do that, so either I wanted him to have sex with me or I was too weak to stand up for myself.
So, to make up for the weakness that I think others view in me, I have to manage all of my difficulties and struggles on my own. This also comes from a place where I don’t think I’m worthy enough for others to burden them with my problems. But I feel like if I were to disclose to others that I’m having a difficult time, I would be perceived as weak or needy. It doesn’t help that other men also struggle with sharing their difficulties, making it seem like I’m the only one who is having problems, like I’m the only weak one out here, and like I can’t get my life together like every other man.
Conversely, I enjoy the fact that people notice I have gained muscle and physical strength from going to the gym. I like that people complement me on how big I’m getting and how disciplined I am for going to the gym. Their acknowledgement of my physicalness counters the fact that I feel weak in other areas. This makes me want to go to the gym more, so that I can hide the weaknesses that I feel in my emotional life. It’s not the only reason I go to the gym, but it’s an interesting side-effect.
The host emphasizes the importance of sharing emotional struggles with others, and that this is not a sign of weakness at all, but the exact opposite, a sign of strength. I encourage this perception for other men, but I have a hard time looking at myself and thinking the same thing. I live by double standards all the time. Other men are more worthy, are more important, and have more regard than I do. It’s a battle that I hope one day I can have victory over. I want my children to not have to go through this, which I have a strong feeling that they don’t. But I will one day have grandchildren who I hope will be able to look at the grandfather as a person of strength and resilience.
Harry L. Estes 