If you have read some of my other post, you know very well that I have struggled with building and maintain friendships all of my life. Upon some reflection the past few weeks, I believe I’ve had a small breakthrough. And just to start off, I am fully responsible for the position I find myself in. Where this is blame in this, it is completely my own!
As we grow up, we learn how to make and keep friends. I believe that is partly a developmental process. In my case, I was completely isolated from many of my peers growing up. So, I was at a great disadvantage in learning these various behaviors on how to make friends. I was never able to have a “best friend” or a “best bud” to hang out with. Since I was at a deficit in this, I never built a foundation of security that I was important enough for people to call me their “friend”. I always felt left out, I always felt odd, and I always felt unlovable. I never figured out how to ask how to get my needs met. Consequently, I had to figure out how to meet all of those needs by myself and in isolation. I became my own “best friend”.
Then, at thirteen, I was groomed and molested. When other boys are trying to figure out opposite sex relationships, I was dealt with trying to understand why someone of the same sex wanted me. I was betrayed, deceived, and manipulated. I learned that I couldn’t trust anyone, I needed to build up walls to protect myself, and I stuffed whatever emotional needs I would ever have down into some psychological abyss. Only I desired to have a companion, I wanted to have healthy relationships, and I craved to have my needs met. But I felt worthless, undesirable, and freakish. The “best friend” that I found in myself was now detestable.
For the next few decades, I have found myself in a constant “push-pull” of relationships. When I feel good about myself, I want to pull people close to me. When things don’t go right in my life, I push people away from me. I have no foundation to feel secure in any friendship, waiting for others to walk away from me or betray me, and in some instances, daring them with my actions to call it quits with me. I never truly give myself over to any relationship, being vulnerable with others because I know that I’ll be hurt if I trust someone too wholeheartedly. I hide behind my emotional walls because I’m too scared to ask for help, not believing that I’m worth the effort for others to care that much. So, if I just keep quiet, things will pass. But that doesn’t happen because those stuffed emotions just fester in my soul and harden my heart.
So, what I’m left with is relationships that rarely reach a deeper level. I keep people at a distance yet crave for them to find me worthy enough to enter into a friendship. And the idea that I’ll ever have a “best friend” is something that I need to let go of because I can’t go back in time a change that developmental process. It’s an expectation that is unrealistic to me and those around me. I need to resolve myself to the fact that relationships can only reach a certain level because trying to go beyond that isn’t healthy for anyone involved. On the positive side, I think that I can develop some skills in being a good person for others and showing them that they are valued, worthy, and lovable. Additionally, I can praise God for the fact that He’s kept me from really hurting other people and destroying their lives in the process.
If you can’t relate to this, I’m proud of you! Cherish your friends and your relationships and your ability to figure out how to get your needs met in a healthy way. On a final note, I want to reiterate that these are my character flaws, I own these behaviors, and this is completely my responsibility to figure out. And I know that God will be glorified somehow through this, no matter what outcome I face.
Harry L. Estes 