It’s really hard to be gracious as a survivor. For the longest time, I believed that it was my fault that I was molested. I mean, I did befriend him, and I did go out to meet him in the badlands all the time, and I didn’t say no when he made advances towards me. If I would have just said no, then he would have stopped, right? I couldn’t give myself the grace that I needed to accept that it wasn’t my fault that I had been molested.
Then I just got mad, mad at everyone and everything. I was angry because I felt like I didn’t get enough support from my parents when my abuse happened, even though they wouldn’t know about it for eight years after it happened. I was mad because I was cheated out of many years of being a care-free teenager. I was furious because I felt so different from everyone else and I had no idea how to navigate these awkward emotions that I experienced. The more time went on, the more I kept things inside of me, and the more angry I became.
In this world, it’s so hard to have an attitude of gratitude. I feel like once I put on that attribute, some event occurs that gives me a slap in the face and knocks me back down. I want to be thankful of everything that God has given me in my life, but it is so easy to look at others and want what they have. I desire to be thankful of the good and the bad things in my life, knowing that God works through all things for His glory. And when he does that I get blessed too. This is the hardest part of my journey and I feel like I haven’t even stepped out the door in this area. Man, it really sucks!