Predators

A friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in about four years visited southern California this weekend. We talked a great deal about many things, but since he knows that I’m a survivor, our conversation did talk about childhood sexual abuse. He was uncertain if he had been molested by his priest as a child because many of his memories from childhood have been blocked out for a variety of reasons. Yet, two of the other altar boys who served had been molested by the same man.

We talked about how predators seem to choose their victims. One of the strongest indicators of whether or not a child might be abused is the presence of their father. Now, this is not a solid and defined factor, but how involved a father is in the life of his children does play a part in their chances of being victimized. Obviously, a father who is very involved in his children’s lives has a strong presence and instills security. A father who is absent can sometimes leave a hole in his children’s life, so the child will go looking after something to fill the void. Predators tend to look for this. It was certainly true for me. My father was present in my life, but he wasn’t involved in much of the day-to-day aspects of my upbringing. He was taught that he was the financial provider and that was where his responsibility pretty much ended. My mother was supposed to be the nurturer, although she didn’t do too well in that aspect either, but my father believed that most of child rearing was her job.

I was certainly looking for someone to fill the fatherly role in my life, since I didn’t have that connection with my biological dad. Also, my mom wasn’t a very good nurturer, so I was also looking for someone to make me feel safe, secure, and listened to. Of course, my parents could have done better, but they had no idea what was going on in my mind. Yet, a parent who connects with their children will be able to figure those aspects out and attempt to meet those needs as best as they can. I certainly wasn’t a perfect father, but I knew that I had shortcomings because of how I was raised. When I knew one of my boys needed something I wasn’t able to provide, I asked for help. Based on how they are doing in their lives now, I think I did alright.

Every family dynamic is different and varied. But I urge fathers to connect and be as involved as possible with their children. You can’t be everything to them, so allow others who you trust to provide some support for them. For example, I was not an athlete, but two of my sons were. I had to let other men come into their lives to teach them how to be good athletes. I was still there, but I could let other people into their lives to give them something I couldn’t. So, men, find your talents and abilities, teach them to your children, and where you fall short, watch others help your children to become dynamic adults.