Many people, and most survivors, have thought about ending their lives at various times. I would imagine that most everyone has thought about what life would be like if they weren’t around any longer. Life can certainly bring us to such low points that this type of thinking becomes a reality for many people.
I’ve thought about suicide a lot. I remember when I was six years old trying to use a pillow to stop breathing because life seemed so hopeless and pointless during that time. I was isolated and lonely. I didn’t believe I had any worth to anyone, and I thought the best solution was to kill myself. Since that time, I’ve had periods of time when I believed the best thing for those around me was for me to end my life because I would be removing a source of pain from others. Also, with me gone from the world, others may experience some relief in their own lives. At the minimum, I would get rid of an annoyance for most people.
At other points in my life, I resorted to cutting myself to alleviate the emotional pain I was experiencing. It was a great release from weeks and months of pushing down the hurt I was feeling. It transferred the emotional pain to a physical pain, so that it didn’t hurt as much anymore.
I think the most difficult part of a suicidal ideation is when a person can mask that pain from others so convincingly that no one knows what is truly going on inside of them. I know that a classic indication of a suicide attempt is that the person feels happy, relieved and at peace. They know that soon all of their pain will be over. That’s the part of this affliction that scares me the most because the decision has already been made in the mind of the suicidal person. It feels like it would be hard to convince them to not go through with the plan.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, there is someone who cares enough about you. Find that one person, or people, and be with them. Talk with them about what’s going on inside and don’t let the negative thoughts win. I know that it’s hard to reach out to others, and sometimes it seems like no one is listening at all, no one hears your cries for help. But keep trying because someone will hear you. And if you’re reading this and you believe there is no one who is there for you, send me a message. You aren’t alone in this.
Harry L. Estes 