Sometime last week, I pulled or strained or injured (anyway, something hurts real bad!) on the left side of my stomach. At first I was worried that I might have a hernia. At a doctor’s visit years ago, my physician at the time said that he wouldn’t be surprised if I had a hernia later in life. But over the course of the last few days, I’ve noticed some improvement in how it feels. Nonetheless, I’ve couched (literally!) my afternoons at the gym. It’s been terrible!
First of all, I’m exhausted. I think the body activity really does help me sleep better at night, which makes it easier for me to function during the day. I never knew for certain that exercise actually gives you more energy, but so far this week, I can attest that it actually does!
Second, for days all I can think about is how much weight I’m gaining, how much muscle I’m losing, and how much food I’m consuming. Ok, maybe it’s not all I think about, but it crosses my mind a lot. I’m not very good at looking at the bright side of giving my body a rest from physical activity, but I’m going to give it a shot! At 52 years old, I’m really fortunate that I haven’t had a really serious injury that has kept me from the gym for weeks or even months. My body has really weathered that storm well. Also, not many people have the discipline to work out six days a week and do it with the consistency as I have been doing (man! that really was hard to write down!). In general, I feel pretty good about the way I look since many people think I am ten or more years younger than I really am.
Now, for the other side of the coin! I know that many male survivors of sexual abuse struggle a great deal with their physical body image and body dysmorphia. Being at the gym is one way to focus your attention on gaining muscle, losing weight, and feeling stronger. I believe that improving the way we look gives us survivors back some of the control we lost during our abuse. It also is a way to keep predators away because now are bodies are stronger and more intimidating. No one will mess with us since we are jacked now! This provides a bubble of protection against everything out there that makes us feel insecure and in danger. But keeping up with this rigor and maintaining the discipline takes its toll.
Since having to stop at the gym, I have to fight the thoughts of losing all of the gains I’ve made over the past few years. I have to battle against the idea that I was stupid in getting myself injured in the first place, and I should have done something different to prevent it. And I have to remember that I’m not turning into some ogre or a blob of fat just because I didn’t work out for the day. As irrational as it seems, I believe a lot of male survivors struggle with thoughts such as these, and even more than I’ve mentioned here.
My opinion on how to best triumph over these irrational thoughts is to talk about them to someone who won’t diminish what you are feeling. Just having someone hear me out on what I’m saying without dismissing or trying to fix my mental state is key in helping me understand where these things are coming from and how to best rationalize my mind. Of course, there are guys out there who truly need a trained professional to help them with these thoughts, so I encourage you to find that person if talking with your spouse, partner, or friends doesn’t help. And why is this so important to do? Because there will be some person out there who wants to get into shape, and they may look to you for advice and support. In order to help them out, we have to be in a healthy state of mind before we can encourage others in their journey. God bless all of you in this part of your recovery! Hopefully, I’ll be able to report in my next post some success in this area.
Harry L. Estes 