Regardless of what kinds of trauma you have experienced, I have found that various groups of friends and levels of intimacy within those groups is really important.
I’ve talked about this idea before, but I think that I’ve matured and learned even more about how this concept works. We naturally have these circles of friends around us, the outer circle being the least intimate and the inner circle being the most intimate. People can shift in and out of different circles at different times of our lives. As the circles tighten around us, there are fewer and fewer people that inhabit those places. It takes work and time to develop and maintain intimacy, and we don’t always have an abundance of work and time to keep multiple friendships that are very intimate. And we don’t have control over others on where we would like them to land. That’s the part that is the most difficult for me as a survivor.
It’s pretty easy for me to understand and maintain acquaintances with others. For me, it doesn’t require a great deal of work, and I know the boundaries required for that level of friendship. Where I struggle with is moving people to more intimate friendships in my life. I don’t have a good understanding of boundaries when it comes to those types of friendships. When it comes to friendships, I live in a lot of fear that I will be abandoned or that people will not be genuine with me. I’m scared of being left alone or realizing that I’ve been a fool, thinking that someone was much closer in my life than they really were. My desire is to do all I can to draw people as close as possible because I feel like they are in a much safer place if our friendship is more intimate. Also, the more people who are in my more intimate friendships, the less chance I have at getting hurt or feeling alone when people inevitably leave.
However, I can feel quite irrational at times, which then causes me to sabotage relationships by isolating myself and pushing others away. I won’t communicate with them, I’ll act aloof when it comes to conversations with others, and I try to “unfeel” about them and their relationship with me. This type of behavior draws a lot of energy away from things that are more productive and ultimately brings a lot of negativity into my life. It sucks to live this way.
Recently, I’ve felt good about how I’ve managed to corral my irrational thoughts. I feel more confident about where people are in my circles and the expectations I have on my friendships. Again, and I know this may be repetitive, but the biggest factor that has affected this is communication. When I am able to communicate with others and they reciprocate that communication with me, I feel as if my expectations are healthy and that my boundaries have been well set. I have realized that both my friends and I have limitations that we experience with one another, so I need to be careful how I view myself and others in my friendships. This takes a lot of work, a lot of talking with other people, and some acceptance on my part to be patient, flexible and understanding. It also helps when others can be that with you!
Harry L. Estes 