I was talking with a friend today at the gym, and he mentioned that he had a pretty rough week. Surprisingly, he mentioned to me that some friends had ghosted him recently, and he was trying to navigate that experience because he believed that these friends were trusted people whom he had known for a long time. My heart really went out to him because that was something I had gone through many times myself. I was very honored that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me, and I was grateful to know that someone else had experienced the same feelings I had. It made me realize that, men especially, need to be more open and vulnerable with our experiences and how we process the feelings that accompany them.
My therapist was always really good about sharing situations in which he felt hurt, confused, or disappointed. I encouraged him to tell me about those times because I felt less alone and less awkward as a man because he also went through similar struggles. I believed a learned a lot from sharing those stories because I realized that I wasn’t really so different than other men, which was tremendously healing to me. My view was that other men who were not sexually abused handled friendships perfectly, didn’t let those kinds of situations faze them, or were so confident in themselves that they could let go of practically any negative interaction with another. It was comforting to know that other men get their feelings hurt, and that doesn’t make them any less masculine. It was a relief to know that other men struggle when their friends don’t communicate with them. It was healing to know that I’m not any different than any other man. I never felt like I handled friendships and relationships well at all, so building walls and keeping others at an emotional distance became my specialty. In fact, I’m so good at it that I’ve been able to shut down my emotions completely if I get any sense that someone may be distancing themselves from me, even if that was never their intention at all. It’s not long before I’m completely isolated again.
My hope is that men will realize that sharing hurts and vulnerabilities is a good thing in friendships and relationships. I’ve come to believe that being vulnerable with others does nothing to diminish our masculinity, but in fact draws us closer in community with other men. I’ve also come to believe that a better community of men only makes us stronger. We are better fathers, better husbands, and better people because of that strength. It’s never easy, but I encourage you to find a friend and share with them.
Harry L. Estes 