Nobody enjoys frustration, but we all understand that it is a part of life. I wish that I had a more positive outlook when it comes to the more difficult times of life, but I really don’t. I had some frustrating moments today, and I know that I didn’t handle it in the best way possible.
During times when I’ve had to deal with frustration, my go-to reaction is to go quiet and suppress as much of my emotions as possible. I internalize all of my anger about the situation, and at times, it comes out in little ways that people will notice, like going quiet, responding in short phrases or single words, and having a nervous energy about me. I’m certain that others respond to frustration in similar ways, but I can’t help to think that sexual abuse is directly responsible for these behaviors.
When I have these times of frustration, I want to hide away. I want to be invisible, erased, and ignored. I believe I learned that response because I think that feeling frustrated is wrong. And because it’s wrong, there must be something wrong with me. And whenever there is something wrong with me, it’s because I allowed myself to be molested. Consequently, I’m a bad person because I allow things that other people are able to prevent, and I can’t handle things that others are able to brush off easily. It’s all because I’m defective.
In reality, everybody has times when they are frustrated and feel angry about the situation they are in. What I would like to be able to do better is communicate my frustrations and anger to others so that I can experience that release of emotions, rather than have them build up within me. I would like to be able to get angry, freely, knowing that it’s safe and ok to express those emotions. I would like to be able to de-escalate myself, knowing that I don’t have any control over my environment or the people around me, and that I can let those things go. All of these things are completely in my control, and it is all up to me to do these things.
If you experience these kinds of feelings, too, I hope that you realize that it’s ok to get frustrated and feel angry. I also hope that you can find a safe place to express your emotions so that you can get that release, rather than hold all of that anger inside of you. Just like any new skill or behavior, it takes time to learn. So be patient and kind to yourself!
Harry L. Estes 