Many survivors struggle a lot with the holiday season. Most of the times, the holidays bring memories of past sexual abuse with a family member. The holidays are a constant reminder of those times, even if the sexual abuse hasn’t occurred in many years. For many survivors, even if the holidays don’t bring about sexual abuse memories, the memories of family dysfunction can be ever present.
For others, the holidays can be stressful and uncomfortable for no apparent reason. We have to remember that the holidays are a break in our routine, something that survivors have worked hard to establish and maintain. We find comfort in the activities we expect and can control. When I was growing up, any time that school was on a break was difficult for me because of the disruption in my schedule. It was extremely important for me to know what was coming up because the energy that I needed to function during my day had to go towards the unexpected and the uncertain. I could waste energy on trying to figure out a new routine! Especially knowing that in a few short days, I would have to change yet again, pushed back into my usual routine, even though it was a comfort to know that it was there.
The stress during the holiday season can come in many forms. One of my biggest stressors is the increased number of social interactions. Although holiday parties and get-togethers can be a source of great joy, for many survivors it takes a great deal of energy to engage with others. The demands of being more social can often be mistaken for depression, disdain, or dislike, which just adds guilt to the survivor. There is a terrible cycle for a survivor of shutting down, withdrawing from others, feeling guilt about not having the energy to engage with others, more withdrawal, and consequently, more shutting down. Coupled with dealing with the pain of the past, it’s no wonder survivors end up feeling alone, depressed, and disillusioned by the approaching holidays.
I’m one of the fortunate ones because I have a family who is understanding and loving, which causes me to worry less about the past. My family has been able to build new and wonderful memories which make the holidays a much more pleasant experience for me. For those who don’t have people around them who can offer a different experience, I would hope that you would communicate your feelings with those around you. It’s important for to let others know the difficulties you are having and the reasons behind them. Furthermore, I would like those who don’t have painful holiday experiences to extend grace to those who are struggling. Take some time to talk with them, engage them in the holiday experience, and let them know that you are there for them at whatever capacity they can be.
Harry L. Estes 