I’ve read a few things recently that discuss how difficult it is to develop friendships as a survivor. I believe that everyone struggles with building and maintaining friendships, but I also believe that male survivors have an even more difficult time because of the trust that has been broken in our lives by our perpetrators. I have a terrible time with friendships because of a variety of issues. This difficult makes me desire to just become isolated from others.
Before my sexual abuse, I was fairly isolated from other kids my own age. I really only saw them at school, and I was always jealous of others because it appeared that they hung out with one another after school and on weekends. I felt like I was always on the outside looking into relationships I never were able to have. Others appeared to easily make friends and keep friends, and I continually felt awkward and lonely.
My perpetrator befriended me, blowing up any trust that I had in people who I didn’t know. When I would try to make friends after the incident, I vacillated between feeling too needy and keeping others from being too close. I would test them to see if their friendship with me was true. It involved a lot of lying and manipulation on my part, and only resulted in me feeling incredibly hurt and the loss of the friendship. I never learned how to keep my expectations reasonable and allow friendships to develop naturally.
So, in the present time, I still desperately want to have close friendships. I still struggle with understanding why friendships seem to drift away from me. Since it happens so frequently, I have a hard time believing that the problem doesn’t lie with me. I’m not certain that I will ever have the kind of friendship that I have wanted for so long. In therapy, I’m working on being kinder to myself and being ok with who I am, thinking that if I can be happy with me, then I can weather the isolation.
If you are reading this and also struggle with friendships, please feel free to message me. I’d love to hear your story too.
Harry L. Estes 