As a survivor, I struggle a lot with boundaries in relationships. Unfortunately, I believe its common for survivors to have a tough time setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with friendships and other relationships.
When I was younger, I was so starved for attention that I had very few boundaries with others. I wanted to have strong and deep friendships because I felt so incredibly lonely most of the time. I dreamed about having a best friend who would be there for me all of the time, laughing through good times and having a shoulder to cry on during the bad times. When those friendships didn’t happen, then I forced them to happen with others, creating drama and essentially lying to others so that they would feel bad for me. Even though those forced relationships were based on falsehood, it was something and therefore enough for me at the time. But it didn’t take long for those friendships to dissolve because they weren’t based on truly feelings.
So, I felt burned by others, but really by myself. I was still starved for attention as I became an adult. I would still try to force others to like me, but when I didn’t feel that those feelings were reciprocated, then I would shut them out. Yet, I was still starved for friendships, so began a cycle in which I would work on developing friendships but then push them away when I didn’t think things were going as planned. I was deathly afraid of becoming too needy for others, so I made sure to close the door on the friendship before I ended up getting hurt.
After a great deal of therapy, I’m better but still not where I want to be. I have more realistic expectations of people, but I also don’t desire the attention that I once craved. When friendships don’t appear to be working out, I don’t immediately give up on the other person and shut them out. I tell myself that I need to remember to let things occur naturally, let go of the anxiety about others, and that if it doesn’t work out, that is no reflection on who I am as a person. It does help that a few people have become my friends over the years, so I know that I’m not the ugly, damaged person I thought I was.
If you struggle with relationships, I would like to encourage you to talk openly about this with your therapist. This has helped me tremendously because mine is always on my side, Of course he is, right? I pay him! But nonetheless, being able to set up boundaries, understand healthy relationships and partnerships, and developing relationships in your life that you can count on is an important part of a survivor’s healing journey. Understanding how all of that works helps you to comprehend your marriage relationship, the relationship with your children, and the relationship you have with God.
Harry L. Estes 