For most of my life, I can remember few times when I’ve experienced a truly relaxing time. Even while I’m sitting down, not doing anything, I am not in a relaxed state of mind or body. For example, since it’s football season, I watch a lot of college and professional football. I’ll plop down on the couch; eyes glued to the television and watch several games consisting of several hours of play. I can do this now because my kids are all adults, so I have, to some degree, a bit of freedom that other men may not have at this stage in their lives. However, I may appear to be watching a game, and it may even look as if I’m engaged in what is occurring, but my mind is completely on a very strict time schedule. I’m thinking about squeezing in chores, when the best time to go to the gym is, what work I need to complete for my classroom, how I can best edit my latest novels, and the list can go on. I rarely have a moment when my brain isn’t in constant “calendar” mode.
I’ve done this since I was a young child. It may be because I had a lot of freedom in my day, and I scheduled things to keep myself occupied. It may also be because I’m just wired that way, and I need a strict to-do list to feel accomplished. I may be experiencing response to difficulties or trauma in my life, and this is a great way to have control over something. I’m not exactly sure what is the root cause of it, but lately, it needs to change! I have been experiencing feelings of stress, being overwhelmed, and even some physical symptoms like headaches and eye pain. My blood pressure seems to climb with ever decade that I age, and I’m pretty certain this is a cause.
A lot of times, I have a solution to this, but not to this one. I go to the gym, I pray and meditate daily, and I deep-breathe while listening to classical music to help me relax more. But then other times, I stress myself out with my schedule, which seems to counter all of the positive, relaxing activities I’m doing. I don’t have a solution, but again, I know it needs to change.
If you have experienced similar situations, I’d be thrilled if you had more concrete and long-lasting solutions to share. Message me with anything you have found helpful. I’ll keep moving forward, and this is something I have and will continue to address in therapy. Yet, it’s always nice when someone can empathize with me.
Harry L. Estes 