Feeling Positive

One of the hardest things I have to do on a daily basis is to feel positive about my current situation, whatever that may be. My commute has been one of the greatest negatively impactful parts of my day. Every year it seems to get a bit longer, and there appears to be more and more cars on my way to work. It’s difficult for me to start my day feeling like I’ve been battling on the road so early in the morning.

But even then, in front of my classroom, I have to show to my students that I’m excited about the day, regardless of how I’m really feeling. I always tell my non-teacher friends that most of teaching is really acting because we have to present a calm and uplifting environment to our students so that they can feel exciting about learning. Some days are more difficult to do that than others.

I also think that as a survivor, I tend to put on a mask for those around me. I want others to like me, to think I have it all together, and to know that I’m confident in how I live my life. So, I tend to hide pain, sadness, and a lack of energy so that others will know that I’m ok. No one wants to hang out with a Debbie Downer, right?

So, I spend a lot of energy trying to convince certain people that I’m good. It’s not right, but it’s what I do. When I was a teenager and a young adult, I did the opposite. I was moody, brooding, and not very fun to be around. I used it as a way to get people to feel for me, test their commitment to me, and connect through the struggles that I was having. I didn’t realize that this didn’t work because I wasn’t being very authentic, but being positive all the time, even when I don’t feel like it, isn’t being very authentic either.

I’m still working on this, but being positive is something I need to cling to. I have a lot to be grateful and thankful for: I have a wonderful family, I have a satisfying and challenging job that provides well for my family, and I have a faith in God who never fails me! Yet, when I’m not doing well, I do need to express those emotions too, honestly and genuinely. It’s hard to strike that balance because I think that as a survivor, I’m always looking to please other people. I don’t please anyone if I’m not my true self.

I hope that as a survivor reading this, you will discover what I have, that there are truly genuine and caring people out there who will listen to you and help you with that balance. It may take a while, but it also may be instantaneous. They are out there! Don’t give up on your search for meaningful and long-lasting connections.