This is a title to a song by Demon Hunter that I absolutely love! To me, it reminds me that I need to draw myself away from sin by running away from it. I’m really good at running, especially from problems, which I don’t think the song is advocating!
I know a number of survivors who struggle with facing conflict because their entire lives have been about running and hiding from the trauma that we faced, sometimes daily. In my home, I never saw conflicts resolved well. My dad was really good at avoiding any conflict whatsoever. My mom was really good about letting her feelings fester so that her emotions would explode all over everyone in the house. When recognizing a conflict, I do my best to follow after my dad and avoid it, and I might add, it’s one of my strengths.
However, avoiding conflict and denying my feelings about them have only built resentments within myself. I don’t explode like my mother did, but rather implode unto myself, so that I am an emotional mess. I’ve also worked really hard at making sure that no one sees the emotional damage that I cause myself, which makes this cycle of avoiding conflict, imploding into myself, and covering up my feelings perpetuate.
I wish there was some formula that I could relate to other survivors that would solve this problem, but I don’t think it’s out there. I know there are a few things I’ve learned in therapy that help though. I believe one thing I can do is to start small. I can recognize conflict when it occurs, and if I just acknowledge the conflict to someone or express the smallest feeling about how the conflict impacted me, that helps tremendously. I have good people surrounding me that can recognize this in me, and they foster more communication with me when that occurs. I feel more comfortable when this happens, which allows me to express even more of how I’m feeling. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to resolve the conflict.
Communication is valuable in not only expressing your emotions but also coming to a solution and resolving the conflict at hand. That’s the part I’m not really good at, resolution. But I think that if I understand that my needs and feelings are equally as important as others in my relationships, that can help me to come to a solution to the difficulty. Also, I need to realize that it’s ok if the conflict doesn’t get resolved right away. At times, some distance from the problem can provide a whole lot of clarity when it comes to a solution. That’s another thing I’m not good at is returning to the issue that might not have a resolution. I want to avoid it, so I need to be alright with revisiting an issue so that I can work more on my communication skills to help resolve it.
Hopefully, as your read this, you can relate to something. I think we all can do a lot better when facing conflicts with others, whether we turn our backs and run or whether we face things head on. This can be a very powerful way to bring us closer in community.
Harry L. Estes 