I know that everyone takes things too personal sometimes, but I feel like I have mastered the art. From a text that might go unanswered for a few hours to a cryptic interaction with a new person, I can make almost anything revolve around something I did poorly! I understand that many people have this same character trait, but at times I feel like I take this to an extreme.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. I’m a middle child, sort of, so I know that is part of who I am. I remember arguments between my parents which I sincerely thought I was the cause, so I tried desperately to fix myself so that they wouldn’t argue. Even after my mother told me that ‘parents just argue with each other, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t love you’, I still had a hard time believing that some part of me or what I did contributed to their disagreement. I’ve worked really hard in my life to disappear so that others won’t think less of me, but also to make sure that others feel encouraged, uplifted, and heard. I have truly sacrificed a good part of my own mental health so that others won’t be bothered. And of course, that just led to unspoken resentments that I harbored for months, if not years!
I believe my first response to interaction that is other than typical will be to think that I did something wrong, or I just am the type of person who no one wants around. It’s taken a great deal of time to realize that others go through a lot of stuff in their own lives which could (notice I said could here) contribute to their actions and attitudes towards me. And it might have absolutely nothing to do with me! (Imagine that!) It’s not that I think the world revolves around me, but I just feel that I’m not worth the care, concern, and consideration that others give one another. I’m an exception, an outsider, and invisible to others in the world.
I wish there was a cure for this character trait that many of us share, but there isn’t. It’s incredibly painful to think this way, and to keep these feelings inside for so long, having resentments grow into false narratives that I have an almost impossible time talking my way out of. But I have seen some progress. It’s helpful to talk about these irrational thoughts with someone who will just listen to the crazy without giving you advice or telling you it’s not true. I already know I’m crazy and irrational, I don’t need others to confirm it by telling me what I should be doing or feeling. It helps, too, to talk to others about what they may be going through just to confirm that they have their own stuff they are going through. It does put situations into a better perspective. Communication is always a good thing because you can discover so much about what someone else is going through, which can make you feel less isolated and alone.
Harry L. Estes 