I ran across a post recently that talked exactly how my father parented me. He would have been considered part of The Greatest Generation, being born in 1911. He was considerably older than my mom and was 60 years old when I was born. Typical of many men at that time, he considered his greatest achievement as a father was to provide for his family. Our family was by no means wealthy, but we didn’t go without. And from where our family began, which is a story in itself, he did well. However, that really was the only aspect of parenting me that he got correct.
Now, I don’t want to bash my father because, as we all say, he did the best with what he had available to him. But both he and I had a great deal against us. I was not a particularly easy child to deal with. I was sensitive, I was quiet and brooding, and I was interested in everything that my dad wasn’t. He would have found it easier to raise a son who loved fishing and hunting, loved to fix things around the house, loved being outside gardening, and could just figure out things all on his own, much like he did. There wasn’t much going on in the late 70s and 80s that my father found interesting, and I had a lot of trouble with his age and his interests.
So, I really didn’t get a lot of guidance, approval, or affirmation from my father. Again, not because he wasn’t willing to give me all of those things, but he didn’t believe I really needed it. I was pretty self-sufficient at what I needed to be growing up. However, it did leave a void in me that has still yet to be completely filled. Since neither one of us knew how to navigate our particular father-son relationship, I was constantly looking others to fill the emptiness that seemed to grow the older I got. I had trouble connecting with kids my own age because what I was looking for, they had no understanding how to provide it for me. I then turned to the adults in my life. My teachers were encouraging to me and praise me for my hard work and intelligence, but that wasn’t going to fulfill everything I needed in my life. I spent most of my teenage years living between emotional highs and lows, only furthering the distance from my peers.
Then, I met my perpetrator, who could easily see that I was struggling to find myself in the world. He affirmed me, he encouraged me, and most importantly, he spent time with me. He knew all the right things to say and do with me. It’s just too bad that he was so self-serving in his pursuits.
All of that is now in the past, but it still hurts. I still look for affirmation from others, especially males who appear secure and safe. Nonetheless, I know that it’s alright for me to feel that way, and I know that I get my affirmation from God. I’m working on understanding my expectations from others in my life and how to give myself and others grace and love. It’s difficult because I want to revert back to my old ways, but they don’t work. Therefore, I try to move forward, and each day that process looks a little bit different. And I hope that, as you read this, you will be able to do the same.
Harry L. Estes 